This was a time in my life that was super uncomfortable. By nature I am a busy body. I like to be out and about, living the good life, toddler and Petunia Pickle Bottoms diaper bag in tow. However, as soon as I hit the six week mark of my pregnancy, my body slammed on the breaks and told me to take it easy. Did I listen? Of course not. Instead I pushed against the call of nature. I stuffed myself in the car and dragged my tired body to the gym for workouts that were much to intense and flattened me on the back for the rest of the day. I insisted on driving the family all over the state for "Fun" family activities that left me drained and grumpy. And when I did allow myself to plop on the couch and devour and episode or two of Gilmore girls (and a bag of dove chocolates) like my body was craving to do, I was racked with never ending guilt.
The more I pushed myself physically, the more pessimistic I became until I was depressed. I would torture myself by watching the E channel and the slender celebrities that graced the screen with their coveted thigh gaps, as my belly got rounder and my weight crept up despite my hard core work outs. I wasn't living up to the delusional American dream of procreating all the while running to and from commitments while wearing six inch heels and looking like a super model. I was a failure.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Was I depressed because I was physically drained or because my brain said that's the way it's supposed to be when you're pregnant? Hard to say. I do know now that "stinkin' thinking" is a hard habit to break. Once the negativity snowball gathers up size and force, it can be a hard to stop. Even now at two months postpartum I am still struggling to get back on track.
How often in this day an age, are we granted a time to hibernate, recharge and focus on nourishing our bodies? When did pregnancy become a time of self loathing and regret? Sometimes it feels like there is some force in the world trying to take the most beautiful gift given to us as woman and warping it into some ugly thing. I cannot name another time in my life when I felt like I was more pummeled with confusion and doubt than with this pregnancy. It's almost impossible to accept and appreciate the miracle of a beautiful baby growing inside you when the Heidi Klum's of the world are out there walking down the runway at six weeks post-partum, nary a stretchmark to be seen, silently pressuring you to do the same.
This year I am going to strive to accept the ebbing tide of my life. I am allowing myself to listen to natures call and get down and dirty with whatever phase of life I am in rather than striving to look perpetually young and keep up with whatever everone says is hip and trendy. I accept that I am no longer 16 and my body is that of a mother now. Like my husband says, I'm like a fine wine. I get better with experience and age and I am ready to own that.
" My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement."
-Joe Vs. the Volcano
My year was also filled with some beautiful and memorable things. Here is a recap of our year in no particular order.
2015- The year of H
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| Disneyland |
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| Family Cabin |
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| Rock climbing with play group |
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| Spent lots of time at the park |
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| Got in to mischif |
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| Mommy and me yoga every Wednesday |
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The birth of Hudson    |
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| Gymnastics class |
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| Park city with the family |
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| Baby Animal Days |
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| Hiking |
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| Alpine slide |
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| Swimming |
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| Feeding (Chasing) ducks at first dam |
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| Homecoming Day Parade |
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| Positive pregnancy test |
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| D in Curling League |
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| Super sick while on vacation |
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| Saint George reunion |
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| Old Ephrams Grave |
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| Los Angeles |
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| Families that golf together stay together |
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| Pre-Labor pampering |
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| Carving pumpkins with family |
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| Las Vegas |
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| Lucky's accident |
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| D's trains |
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| Bear Lake |
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| B.O.B runs |
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| Park City |
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| Demo Derby |
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| Four wheel drive to Old Ephram's grave |
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| Summerfest (D2 is watching the belly dancers) |
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Yoga session with Michael Franti |
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Four Paws Street Dance |
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| Buddha Love |
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Aquarium |
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| Zoo |
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| County Fair |
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| Baby H first smiles |
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| Pioneer Day water balloon toss |
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| Changing oil together |
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| Hiking with friends |
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| Halloween Other things worth noting: Prenatal message class with Hubby Saying goodbye to grandpa before he passed. Grandpas funeral- Singing "When I've grown to old to dream" with Dad. Re-connecting with my kindred spirit Uncle Mark. Jump zone with D Positive pregnancy test D1 working in Wyoming D1 hike with Dad D1's work team #1 in region D2's tricycle Mator Lego movie Divergent series Harry Potter The graveyard book Doctors appointments Getting 24 hour stomach flu and getting spoiled by D2 2 Thanksgiving dinners in one day Christmas at in laws and Mom and Dad's River Golf trail, almost loosing tricycle to the river with phone inside Pumpkin patch Family reunion, bouncy house, catching fish Peppa Pig D2's ever improving vocabulary D2 calling me pretty Blanket monsters and blanket forts Salt water tank D2 curling league Ultrasound- It's a boy! Trivia night at the grill Lots of birthday parties Glenn Miller show Birth class with Hubby Babywearing meet-ups Farmers market- pancakes with carmel syrup, reuniting with friends, cheap earrings American West- corn maze, train, mom and dad Due date passing Water breaking and going in to labor Re-doing hearing, PKU and bilirubin tests for H= traumatizing= he's just perfect Making gingerbread trains with friends Researching and researching baby products B.O.B duallie stroller Tula carrier Fourth of July=Kids and Sparklers are scary Grandpa M patching stroller tires repeatedly Mom helping out after H's birth Park city with family, alpine slide, scavenger hunt, late night pool dip The gateway Playing at the parks in the Valley D2's first bee sting- didn't even cry Prenatal Yoga Lots of tea H's first smiles H cooing Snuggling both my boys as they sleep Cruise in Three easter egg hunts City creek with friends Annual Car show Library Testing out cloths diapers=not for me Play group Helping grandma with errands Work at natural philosophy Thomas the train Gilmore girls Bouncy houses in the mall D2 walking a half mile by himself Rattle snake on canyon trail |
This is profound:
ReplyDeleteWhen did pregnancy become a time of self loathing and regret? Sometimes it feels like there is some force in the world trying to take the most beautiful gift given to us as woman and warping it into some ugly thing.
You speak the truth, and kudos for pushing back.
Love D's comment about you being like a fine wine.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dad! That means a lot.
ReplyDelete