One month ago it was as if a troop of navy seals parachuted into my life with their AK47's and blew my plans to smithereens. I found myself suddenly taking care of my two children alone. I no longer had time for things like writing a blog or even some days showering. I was faced with the harsh reality of single motherhood and the possibility that I may somehow need to financially support my family on top of the cleaning, errands, play dates, gymnastics, nursing, diaper changes, boo boo fixing, bathtime, story time, teaching the ABC's, and making sure they eat something more than just chicken nuggets and crackers all day.
Those first couple of weeks, I felt like the wolves were clawing at my door. Spending nights in our home without my big, strong, husband there to physically protect us was a scary concept for me. Every night I made sure our house was locked up like Fort Knox, my pit bull positioned close to the back door and I slept with a heavy, silver hammer next to the bed in case of an intruder.
Of course this was also the time that my two year old decided to take after Tarzan by swinging on everything, all the while pulling the bathroom towel rack out of the wall and destroying the curtain rod in the kids room. I'm ashamed to say it but, I didn't know how to use a drill! Not only that but the dishwasher stopped working, the tires needed repair, the trampoline needed to be set up and the fish tank taken down. I was overwhelmed.
The biggest struggle of all was trying to figure out how to navigate through the murky waters of my marriage and tend to my broken heart. I felt like I had been carrying around heavy weights for years, struggling to find a way to resolve the serious and deep rooted issues alone. After several disappointing years of fighting for my marriage, I allowed the muses of denial to sing me into a peaceful slumber, allowing me to get through my days with a smile.
But God always shows up for you when you ask, and in my case he showed up with balls of fire, hurricanes and towel racks, to answer my prayer for a better life for our family. Not exactly what I had hoped for, but an answer none the less.
I know that God has been leading our family up to this point. He blessed us with our location and the home we own, surrounded by supportive family and friends, so that we could face this challenge and concur it. As of a month ago no one, including my best friend really knew there was anything going on. So, when I called my sweet friend in the middle of the night in tears, telling her my story for the first time, I didn't know what to expect. All I can tell you is that the support and validation that she showed to me was so powerful that it turned into a domino effect. I was able to surrender my burdens and ask for help for the first time. Since then I have been inspired to speak my truth to very specific people who have had been invaluable in guiding me through this challenge.
I think the majority of the world would hear the details of my story and wouldn't blame me if I ended things officially. In fact I think that some would say I should. I know that I would be ok if I had to embark into single motherhood. I have learned how to use a drill, I can have the tired mended, I can financially support my kids if I have to.
But I have seen that being minus one parent this month has already affected my kids. I am unable to give them all the attention they deserve when I'm running around trying to be the man and woman of the household. I watched my son take a screw driver and try to fix one of his toys the other day and I KNOW he didn't learn that from me. He also craves the rough house type of play but as much as I try I simply can't throw him as high up in the air nor do I have the stamina to play like he needs me to. No, when I play with the kids we do things like build a city and take the little match box cars to the grocery store, or doctors office.
I am eternally grateful for all the love and help I have received from my army of support. I have learned however that it would take at least 100 supportive people to replace your spouse. I will never be able to replace the one other person responsible for loving and taking care of me and my children. No one will love my children like him and no one else knows them like he does and has their best interests at heart. Not only that but he loves me and he working himself to the bone to fix our marriage.
I have experienced miracles this month. I know that with God all things are possible. I am proceeding carefully and am weary to jump back in to anything to soon but I can see that there is still hope and I am willing to take the first step into the unknown, full of faith and watch as the next step reveals itself.
It takes two.
I
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