AK47's, marriage and a simple twist of fate.

Two months ago I was comfortable and happy, plodding along, blissfully untouched by the dark and scary world lurking outside my door. Along with my new years resolutions this year I set a very specific intention and prayed that God would assist me in it. I asked that this year would bring a big opportunity for our family to grow and put us in a better spot for more potential growth in the future. In my mind I was thinking of something a long the lines of a new job opportunity, a possible relocation or a fun travel adventure. But life never unfolds the way you expect it to.

One month ago it was as if a troop of navy seals parachuted into my life with their AK47's and blew my plans to smithereens. I found myself suddenly taking care of my two children alone. I no longer had time for things like writing a blog or even some days showering. I was faced with the harsh reality of single motherhood and the possibility that I may somehow need to financially support my family on top of the cleaning, errands, play dates, gymnastics, nursing, diaper changes, boo boo fixing, bathtime, story time, teaching the ABC's, and making sure they eat something more than just chicken nuggets and crackers all day.

Those first couple of weeks, I felt like the wolves were clawing at my door. Spending nights in our home without my big, strong, husband there to physically protect us was a scary concept for me. Every night I made sure our house was locked up like Fort Knox, my pit bull positioned close to the back door and I slept with a heavy, silver hammer next to the bed in case of an intruder.

Of course this was also the time that my two year old decided to take after Tarzan by swinging on everything, all the while pulling the bathroom towel rack out of the wall and destroying the curtain rod in the kids room. I'm ashamed to say it but, I didn't know how to use a drill! Not only that but the dishwasher stopped working, the tires needed repair, the trampoline needed to be set up and the fish tank taken down. I was overwhelmed.

The biggest struggle of all was trying to figure out how to navigate through the murky waters of my marriage and tend to my broken heart. I felt like I had been carrying around heavy weights for years, struggling to find a way to resolve the serious and deep rooted issues alone. After several disappointing years of fighting for my marriage, I allowed the muses of denial to sing me into a peaceful slumber, allowing me to get through my days with a smile.

But God always shows up for you when you ask, and in my case he showed up with balls of fire, hurricanes and towel racks, to answer my prayer for a better life for our family. Not exactly what I had hoped for, but an answer none the less.

I know that God has been leading our family up to this point. He blessed us with our location and the home we own, surrounded by supportive family and friends, so that we could face this challenge and concur it. As of a month ago no one, including my best friend really knew there was anything going on. So, when I called my sweet friend in the middle of the night in tears, telling her my story for the first time, I didn't know what to expect. All I can tell you is that the support and validation that she showed to me was so powerful that it turned into a domino effect. I was able to surrender my burdens and ask for help for the first time. Since then I have been inspired to speak my truth to very specific people who have had been invaluable in guiding me through this challenge. 

I think the majority of the world would hear the details of my story and wouldn't blame me if I ended things officially. In fact I think that some would say I should. I know that I would be ok if I had to embark into single motherhood. I have learned how to use a drill, I can have the tired mended, I can financially support my kids if I have to.

But I have seen that being minus one parent this month has already affected my kids. I am unable to give them all the attention they deserve when I'm running around trying to be the man and woman of the household. I watched my son take a screw driver and try to fix one of his toys the other day and I KNOW he didn't learn that from me. He also craves the rough house type of play but as much as I try I simply can't throw him as high up in the air nor do I have the stamina to play like he needs me to. No, when I play with the kids we do things like build a city and take the little match box cars to the grocery store, or doctors office.

 I am eternally grateful for all the love and help I have received from my army of support. I have learned however that it would take at least 100 supportive people to replace your spouse. I will never be able to replace the one other person responsible for loving and taking care of me and my children. No one will love my children like him and no one else knows them like he does and has their best interests at heart. Not only that but he loves me and he working himself to the bone to fix our marriage.

I have experienced miracles this month. I know that with God all things are possible. I am proceeding carefully and am weary to jump back in to anything to soon but I can see that there is still hope and I am willing to take the first step into the unknown, full of faith and watch as the next step reveals itself.

It takes two.

I

The Gloom Defelector

It's January. Frigid and cold. The sun shyly peaks her head out to shine for a short period of time before the moon quickly bullies her out of the sky. Peoples moods grow darker and more unsteady as the vitamin D is slowly leached from there bodies. The Facebook feed is flooded with statuses of friends who have fallen victim to the dreaded flu virus, a few of whom post emergency room selfies with awkward cheerful smiles stretched across their dehydrated faces.

This morning a suffocating blanket of fog wrapped itself around our gloomy valley. I bundled up the boy's, buckled them into the trusty Jeep and slowly made our way across town to the gym. Due to fresh New Years resolutions, the parking lot  was jam packed with cars. After five minutes of weaving my way through the isles, and wishing for March when the New years resolutions would be forgotten, I was able to steer my way in to a stall.

Already late for our aerobics class, I hustled Daemian into the daycare that was swarming with kids, trying my hardest not to have a panic attack thinking about the flu bugs that must be flitting around on the fingers of the children and their freshly picked noses. Since Hudson is still to young for the daycare,  I hauled him, the car seat, the trusty purple backpack and myself into the fitness room. Music was already loadly pumping from the speakers, as women in spandex determinedly working on a set of burpees, tennis shoes narrowly missing us as I filed passed, primed and ready to shake my tail feathers.

I slowley unbundled Hudson from his cozy carrier, careful not to make any sudden movements that might awaken him and laid him gently in his fleece lined carseat. I silently prayed that he would find the earpeircingly load electronica music soothing enough to stay asleep and joined the rest of the sweaty women as they began a set of weighted lunges.

Just as I was begining to enjoy the burning sensation in my legs from the repetitive lunges
Hudson began to stir. I lovingly placed his binky between his lips and continued on. His face began to grimace, eventually turning into a wail and it was clear that two minutes of class time was all I was going to get.

Quietly reminding myself that, "this too shall pass", I buckled him back in to his kangaroo pouch and determinedly headed for the boring old treadmill where he quickly fell asleep on my chest to the gentle sway of my movements as I plodded along.

After fourty minutes on the doldrums of the hamsterwheel it was time to pick Daemian up. Feeling defeated, I freed my squirrely toddler from the germy bowels of daycare, fended off a tantrum with some bubble gum from the vending machine and headed for the car. Today was not my day. In fact it seemed like the whole week went this way. Not much headway being made, not much to look forward too. Down right depressing.

We turned the corner next to the squash ball Courts where some middle aged men were ferociously fighting for the ball and I ran into Jackie and her two little munchkins. Jackie is about a head taller than me and is one of the most outgoing girls I know. You never need to worry about awkward silence when she's around because she always has something interesting to say. Today as she approached, it seemed like the gloom was litterally deflecting off her sunny demeanor and I felt my mood already begining to lift.

We began chatting about one thing or another as her energetic, curly haired daughter and my mischievous little Daemian began to wrestle on the squeaky leather coaches in the lobby, their laughter ricocheting off the vaulted ceilings. Daemian loves a good wrestling match. Normally this fills me with anxiety as I try to read the other mothers thoughts on whether they find this behavior appropriate or reproachable, usually ending things before the first good tackle just in case. But Jackie was unshaken, laughing along with them while creating a good railing with her legs so neither toppled off the coach.

Jackie is always busy doing something. One day she's shuttling her tot off to preschool or dance. The next day she's saddling up for a dressage lesson, hosting a play group, or taking her kids swimming. Not only that but she still manages to keep her house spotless and work a part time job. Talk about a super mom!

Today she was heading to a gymnastics lesson. Knowing that I was planning to sign Daemian up for class eventually, she insisted that we tag along. Ugh. Didn't she know I was in the depths of a depression? Couldn't she see that the cold and fog had beaten me down leaving me lethargic and lifeless? Didn't it matter that I haven't slept for two months and was left with no energy to spare for silly things like FUN? I wracked my brain searching for every possible excuse, vocalizing a few to Jackie, "The baby will be hungry soon." "Daemian hasn't had lunch yet." mostly revolving around food. (Hindsight shows that I was probably the one who was hungry.) But Jackie's "Just Do It!" attitude got the best of me and soon we were off to gymnastics after a quick stop to Starbucks drive through for super healthy and calorie free cookies for all.

After arriving I could see I had made the right decision. Daemian could hardly contain his excitement and was quickly whisked away by his coaches to jump, flip and swing out all of his abundant energy. I was left on the sidelines to beam proudly at my little gymnast while chatting with Jackie and snuggling little Hudson.

I even ran in to an old buddy from middle school whom I reminisced with for a while. I was reminded of a picture hidden somewhere in the basement of our group of friends in matching denim shirts and jeans, cheesy smiles and ridiculous 90's, back to back, arms crossed poses. A little piece of myself that had been tucked away for safe keeping that I was happy to rediscover.

As we drove home I listened to Daemian happily chatter from his car seat about the adventures he had. The fog and the cold still loomed outside the doors of our cozy car but I felt like I had sunshine beaming from within me. To Jackie it may have seemed like a small thing, but her sunny disposition and "Just do it" attitude was infectious and changed my perspective on everything. The gloom that hung around us no longer held the power to damper my day. Instead of going home and curling myself into the fetal position, I was able to finish some projects around the house all the while happily making fun filled plans for the rest of the week. I was reminded that we all have the same 24 hours in our day, we all have struggles and we all need to sleep, but the difference between someone who's successful and someone who's not, is simply in their attitude.

Thanks Jackie!

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.”

-Helen Keller

Good riddance American dream

I did not shed any tears when 2014 waved good goodbye. The past year, like most years, was a wild, messy, beautiful ride. Seeing as it was that I was incubating a child for most of the year, I gave myself permission to slacken my grip on "the bulls horns" a bit. Now I'm not saying that in hindsight I should have been out there riding dirt bikes, bungee jumping and stuffing my face with sushi while pregnant. No. just I wish I would have embraced my situation in life with all ten of my fingers rather than barley holding on with one pinky.

This was a time in my life that was super uncomfortable. By nature I am a busy body. I like to be out and about, living the good life, toddler and Petunia Pickle Bottoms diaper bag in tow. However, as soon as I hit the six week mark of my pregnancy, my body slammed on the breaks and told me to take it easy. Did I listen? Of course not. Instead I pushed against the call of nature. I stuffed myself in the car and dragged my tired body to the gym for workouts that were much to intense and flattened me on the back for the rest of the day. I insisted on driving the family all over the state for "Fun" family activities that left me drained and grumpy. And when I did allow myself to plop on the couch and devour and episode or two of Gilmore girls (and a bag of dove chocolates) like my body was craving to do, I was racked with never ending guilt.

The more I pushed myself physically, the more pessimistic I became until I was depressed. I would torture myself by watching the E channel and the slender celebrities that graced the screen with their coveted thigh gaps, as my belly got rounder and my weight crept up despite my hard core work outs. I wasn't living up to the delusional American dream of procreating all the while running to and from commitments while wearing six inch heels and looking like a super model. I was a failure.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Was I depressed because I was physically drained or because my brain said that's the way it's supposed to be when you're pregnant? Hard to say. I do know now that "stinkin' thinking" is a hard habit to break. Once the negativity snowball gathers up size and force, it can be a hard to stop. Even now at two months postpartum I am still struggling to get back on track.

How often in this day an age, are we granted a time to hibernate, recharge and focus on nourishing our bodies? When did pregnancy become a time of self loathing and regret? Sometimes it feels like there is some force in the world trying to take the most beautiful gift given to us as woman and warping it into some ugly thing. I cannot name another time in my life when I felt like I was more pummeled with confusion and doubt than with this pregnancy. It's almost impossible to accept and appreciate the miracle of a beautiful baby growing inside you when the Heidi Klum's of the world are out there walking down the runway at six weeks post-partum, nary a stretchmark to be seen, silently pressuring you to do the same.

This year I am going to strive to accept the ebbing tide of my life. I am allowing myself to listen to natures call and get down and dirty with whatever phase of life I am in rather than striving to look perpetually young and keep up with whatever everone says is hip and trendy. I accept that I am no longer 16 and my body is that of a mother now. Like my husband says, I'm like a fine wine. I get better with experience and age and I am ready to own that.


" My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement."
                                       -Joe Vs. the Volcano



My year was also filled with some beautiful and memorable things. Here is a recap of our year in no particular order.

2015- The year of H

Disneyland

 

Family Cabin

 

Rock climbing with play group

 

Spent lots of time at the park

Got in to mischif

Mommy and me yoga every Wednesday

The birth of Hudson

 

Gymnastics class

Park city with the family

Baby Animal Days

Hiking

Alpine slide

Swimming

Feeding (Chasing) ducks at first dam

Homecoming Day Parade

Positive pregnancy test

D in Curling League

Super sick while on vacation

Saint George reunion



Old Ephrams Grave

Los Angeles

Families that golf together stay together

Pre-Labor pampering

Carving pumpkins with family

Las Vegas

Lucky's accident

D's trains

Bear Lake

B.O.B runs

Park City

Demo Derby

Four wheel drive to Old Ephram's grave

Summerfest (D2 is watching the belly dancers)

Yoga session with Michael Franti

 

Four Paws Street Dance

 

Buddha Love 

Aquarium

 

Zoo

County Fair

Baby H first smiles

Pioneer Day water balloon toss

Changing oil together

Hiking with friends

Halloween

Other things worth noting:

Prenatal message class with Hubby
Saying goodbye to grandpa before he passed.
Grandpas funeral- Singing "When I've grown to old to dream" with Dad.
Re-connecting with my kindred spirit Uncle Mark.
Jump zone with D
Positive pregnancy test
D1 working in Wyoming
D1 hike with Dad
D1's work team #1 in region
D2's tricycle
Mator
Lego movie
Divergent series
Harry Potter
The graveyard book
Doctors appointments
Getting 24 hour stomach flu and getting spoiled by D2
2 Thanksgiving dinners in one day
Christmas at in laws and Mom and Dad's
River Golf trail, almost loosing tricycle to the river with phone inside
Pumpkin patch
Family reunion, bouncy house, catching fish
Peppa Pig
D2's ever improving vocabulary
D2 calling me pretty
Blanket monsters and blanket forts
Salt water tank
D2 curling league
Ultrasound- It's a boy!
Trivia night at the grill
Lots of birthday parties
Glenn Miller show
Birth class with Hubby
Babywearing meet-ups
Farmers market- pancakes with carmel syrup, reuniting with friends, cheap earrings
American West- corn maze, train, mom and dad
Due date passing
Water breaking and going in to labor
Re-doing hearing, PKU and bilirubin tests for H= traumatizing= he's just perfect
Making gingerbread trains with friends
Researching and  researching baby products
B.O.B duallie stroller
Tula carrier
Fourth of July=Kids and Sparklers are scary
Grandpa M patching stroller tires repeatedly
Mom helping out after H's birth
Park city with family, alpine slide, scavenger hunt, late night pool dip
The gateway
Playing at the parks in the Valley
D2's first bee sting- didn't even cry
Prenatal Yoga
Lots of tea
H's first smiles
H cooing
Snuggling both my boys as they sleep
Cruise in
Three easter egg hunts
City creek with friends
Annual Car show
Library
Testing out cloths diapers=not for me
Play group
Helping grandma with errands
Work at natural philosophy
Thomas the train
Gilmore girls
Bouncy houses in the mall
D2 walking a half mile by himself
Rattle snake on canyon trail