I'm in here

Some days I feel like I'm drowning to the bottom of a vast ocean never to be found again. "A mothers work is never done". Rings true in my heart like the church bells at a funeral. These days the messes seem to multiply at an impossible rate and the children's needs are endless. I love my children deep down to my very core but sometimes I can't help but to feel like I'm losing myself. It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I haven't even showered. Last night's make up haunts my face, blackening my eyes like some sort of zombie creature.

I'm starting to understand why mothers let themselves go. There's simply no time for petty things like showers or make up. People say that it's crucial to have "mommy time". "take care of yourself" they say. But for what? So I can keep up with societies standards of sexiness? My kids don't care if I'm sexy.

My life is not my own. It seems like in each child born to me, a piece of my soul has been buried deep with in them. I feel like the clock spins at an impossible speed, ticking away my time at twice the speed as when I was young. Maybe it's because I'm living not only my own life but the lives of my children's. Maybe this is the meaning of true selflessness.  My grandmother bore ten children into this world and is the most selfless person I know.

I know I am judged. I am the only one to be held responsible for the actions of my children. Now that my toddler is exercising his independence, I find myself questioning my tactic's and racking myself with guilt every minute of the day. It seems like no matter what I do I will be right and I will be wrong. Depends on the person who's judging me. People will tell you to trust your instincts but I feel like I'm muddling along with no compass to guide me.

For now I will keep taking deep breaths and muttering the mantra "This too shall pass"

 
{This entry was written as a therapy session for myself. Today was a gloomy and overcast day and I realize that not every day is like this. If I do choose to publish this it will be in the hopes that other mothers will find they are not alone if they are also feeling the same way.}